Literal Movie Titles

Don't look now, but there is a movie coming out called Midnight Meat Train.

One comment is unnacceptable

My woman rear-ended me. What more do you readers want?

The heartbeat of America

From January 7th to the 24th, I was driving this:

Once I got the spacing down, it was a lot of fun. That baby does well on the open road and it was fun to drive in the snow. I would search out snow drifts so that I could plow through them. Remember that huge snowstorm on Human Rights Day? I drove up Parley's in the sumb___h with nary a problem.

Yes, for two weeks, this machine defined me. If you would have looked me up in the dictionary during that 17-day period, you'd find a different explanation than at any other time in my life. Anybody who happened to be around me probably noticed some not-so-subtle differences in my attitude. Like I had bigger muscles or something. People treat you differently when you drive something like that. Lisa said the truck suited me (her words, not mine) and did pretty much whatever I asked her to the entire time. Lucky for her, a man who drives one of those is pretty self-sufficient and doesn't ask much of his woman or anyone else.

People also remember you when you roll in a vehicle like that. One day, I had to park in a pay parking lot at school twice, and the fellow who took my money said, "Hey, weren't you just here?" So, I says to the guy, "Yeah. I didn't get here early enough to park somewhere further away." Which probably didn't surprise him, because someone in a Chevrolet like that comes and goes when he pleases.

Yup, besides the difficulty in parking that em-effer, that was a good 17 days....

"Then why aren't you driving it anymore?" you ask.

"Because it weren't mine."

"Then why were you driving it?" you inquire.

"Good question. Here's why:"

....Tuesday night, 11 December 07, I left Lisa's house to go to Becky's birthday party. Lisa was following me. "My Debutant" by Chixdiggit had just played on my Pod and "The Universal" by blur was currently playing. I pulled up to a stoplight, minding my own business. The car next to me and I both thought that our light was about to turn green, and in the anticipation, we inched forward. Instead, the turn-arrow went green, so we both stop. Next thing I know, I am getting plowed from behind by youknowwho. My back window was now lying in shattered pieces on me and on the seats of my car. My spare tire was now lying on the ground. My world would never be the same.

Here's the damage:

And the perpetrator's damage:

"We can't stop this thing from what it's going to be."

Dear Bacon: I'm serious

A kid discovered some bacon some time ago. He could see it was a delicious slab of bacon, but he held off in chomping on it. For no specific reason really, he just did. The moment soon came where he couldn't wait any longer. That bacon had been making a good case for being eaten for more than a month, and it was time to cook it up in its own grease. But, when he went in for the first bite, the bacon felt cold. It was probably all that time in the refridgerator. Duh, of course it was. The kid thought he had thawed it enough, but found that he needed just a little bit more time. The kid finally got more aggressive in his thaw techniques, and that night he ate the highest quality of bacon that there is.

"Do you want to go for a ride?" he said.

"Where to?" she said.

"To Smith's. I need some school supplies," he said.

"You should get one of those rotisserie chickens," she said.

"Okay," he said.

I am your girl and I will protect you

The best thing about having a woman is the sweaters she buys me; sometimes randomly, other times on a celebrated holiday. The second-best thing about having a woman is making out when people aren't around. Third place is making nachos.

I know my readers, and I know they are reading this blog to see pictures of me in sweaters. And, as per usual, I will not disappoint.

Background: You will probably notice that it doesn't look very much like Christmas day in the first pictures. Good eye, Reader. It was actually 22 December when me and The Lisa exchanged our gifts on account of her going on a Christmas cruise to the Mexico. Don't feel bad for me, I took so many naps while she was gone.

I know, I know....."Bring on the sweaters!" Well, here they are:

(Here we are, showing off my sweater and the book that we both gave to each other ["What Is The What" by Dave Eggers])

(I'm trying to do a model pose in this one, but to no avail)

(look at my acne)

(Lisa, already enjoying the Common cd I got her)

(Last Saturday, Lisa went to Deseret Industries and bought that jacket for her and this sweater [and the shirt underneath] for me. Until we saw this picture, neither Lisa nor I knew that she was dating a giant)

(Look how chubby I've become.)

It isn't pornographic if you are talking about insects

First day of school today.
Yesterday I wrote in the 2008 planner that Lisa gave me, "School starts, fun ends." I can't wait until this crap is over. I can't wait until the day when I sing, "No more homework, no more books. No more teacher's dirty looks," and mean it for more than just a few months. I am pretty certain that I will make a great graduated person.

This morning, when I woke up at the time that I usually go to bed, I was pretty bummed about the prospect of more education, and I half-asleep sent Lisa a text message expressing my displeasure.



Me: School, man.

Lisa: BONER KILLER.

I am a butterfly

People keep asking me, "Who are you?" I don't know what to say besides, "Who am I in abstract? In general? I can't help but ask these questions." (If you get this crack, I will clear a special place in my heart and arteries for you.)

Who are any of us, anyway? We are people with guts and skin and crap (literally and unliterally). And, we are personalities. So, without further adieu (for the time being, at least; 2008 will be full of adieus, I think, okay?), here is your personality. Mine, actually, but yours is just a click away.

You Are An ENTP

The Visionary You are charming, outgoing, friendly. You make a good first impression.You possess good negotiating skills and can convince anyone of anything.Happy to be the center of attention, you love to tell stories and show off.You're very clever, but not disciplined enough to do well in structured environments. In love, you see everything as a grand adventure. You enjoy taking risks for love.And if things don't work out, you're usually not too much worse for the wear! You would make a great entrepreneur, marketing executive, or actor. At work, you need a lot of freedom to pursue your own path and vision. How you see yourself: Analytical, creative, and peaceful When other people don't get you, they see you as: Detached, wishy-washy, and superficial

What's" Your Personality Type?

(giving credit where credit is due: I got this from Lisa)

Buzz words, pt. 1

Ombudsman

om·buds·man /ˈɒmbədzmən, -ˌmæn, -bʊdz-, ˈɔm-, ɒmˈbʊdzmən, -ˌmæn, ɔm-/

1.
a government official who hears and investigates complaints by private citizens against other officials or government agencies.
2.
a person who investigates and attempts to resolve complaints and problems, as between employees and an employer or between students and a university.

It's so misconceived, but it works like a charm

Dear everybody,

Please don't send me text messages. I am working on a third consecutive day without receiving one. It is probably already a person record, but I want to see how long it goes.

Thanks.

Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?

Why, yes, I did go this entire day without showering myself.

Christmas Card

MERRY CHRISTMAS


God rest ye merry, readers.

Love,
the You Know How I Do staff

Phrase of the year, year 2007

"That's what Lisa said."

Coined by either me or Nathaniel. I can't remember.

Biggest let-down, 2007

Nathaniel never becoming a tour guide for the underground tour in Seattle.

I owe it all to the movies. I was thinking just you and me.

One Thursday at the end of May, Lisa and I both had the day off and nothing planned. We would go to breakfast, as was our wont on shared dayoffs, but our plan to go to Bear Lake was ended by weather that wasn't warm enough for laying on a beach. So, we decided to spend the entire day (after breakfast, mind you) at the movies. We saw three with hardly a break in between. First was Shooter (surprise movie of the year). Next was Waitress. Lastly, was Fay Grimm, which was totally strange. I swear the movie completely changed itself three times. Surprisingly, the time when by quick. Before we knew it, the third movie was over. It turned out to be a great way to spend a day of leisure.

The year of our Lord 2007 turned out to be a pretty good year to spend in a movie theater, and not just in Utah. Both times I went to Seattle this year, I saw great movies in cool old theaters (Grindhouse in April and King of Kong at the end of August) with Nathaniel, who no longer blogs.

I've been compiling a list of the best movies I saw this year for about a month now. I'm hoping to trim it down to ten and then rate them in order. I want to share the candidates with you so that you can either a) add to it, or b) make a case for one of the movies to make the top 10. I don't know if your input carries any weight, but whatever, you know?

Here's the list:

King of Kong: Fistful of Quarters
Live Free or Die Hard
Rocket Science
American Gangster
Grindhouse
Into the Wild
Shooter
The Simpsons Movie
Oceans 13
Eagle vs. Shark
The Darjeeling Limited
Hot Fuzz
Zodiac
Knocked Up
Bourne Ultimatum

As of now, 3:10 To Yuma is not on the list, because I have only seen about 30 minutes of it. From what I saw, though, it would be in consideration for the list.

What I can do without, pt. 1

Seeing Snoop Dog on television all the time.

Say, what's in this drink?

As none of you know, I spent Thanksgiving in my new favorite state in the Union, Oregon, Lisa's entire family. We flew into Portland on Wednesday night, spent the night there, ate at Thanksgiving Dinner at Salty's buffet, then, with full stomachs, drove out to the Oregon coast. Cannon Beach, to be exact. Since you like the pictures in books more than the words, here is our trip in picture form, mostly chronological (the first picture was actually the last taken but it seemed like a good opening statement).

(you might recognize this rock as the rock that the pirate ship comes from behind at the end of Goonies. This rock was right outside of our hotel room the entire time)

(What am I spelling? It is a mystery. Kind of like what Bill Murray whispered to Scarlett J. at the end of "Lost in Translation" used to be a mystery)

(Lisa's nephew Danny and myself. When he wasn't head-butting me while we were wrestling, he was admiring that we had the same shoes.)

(Danny and myself running on the beach. We're running to the sea, and we're not never coming back)

(Lisa's other nephew, Jacob. I met this kid in Walla Walla this April, and he has loved me ever since. Which is great, because he has never liked Lisa.)

(Me, Lisa, and Goonie Rock)

(Group photo with Goonie Rock in the background. Back row, from left to right: Diane [Lisa's brother's wife], BJ [Lisa's brother's wife's husband], Lisa [Lisa's brother's wife's husband's sister], and myself [Lisa's toy]. In front: Scruffy. This will most likely be the only time you see me wearing a scarf, so if you like that sort of thing then go ahead and start liking it.)

(Lisa sleeping while I am trying to watch football)

Been hoping that you'd drop in

I believe it is time for ventriloquism to get huge again this holiday season.

I really can't stay, I've got to go away

Tough crowd.

I went and saw 3:10 To Yuma in the last theater in Salt Lake City showing it, but Lisa got sick and I didn't even see half of it.

My gosh, your lips look delicious

Okay, I was only kidding about this blog thinking you are an ingrate. It holds no ill-will. It understands that you know of its big head, and that it keeps asking you to inflate the aforementioned big head with even more air. This ego is out of control.

Okay, I will stop refering to me as this blog and become a human again. I will also make a loose promise to not start another paragraph in this edition of this blog written by me with the word, "okay".

Did you notice how I said "no" to vember? What fortitude I can have sometimes. Truth be told, I wrote that, decided that I hated blogs, while at the same time cursing you when you did not update yours, stopped hating blogs (all a long, I knew it was a phase, anyway), had school work, decided to not blog until December 1 in order to exhibit my saying "no" moxie, and now here I am.

Unfortunately, I don't know if I will blog for another week or so. This week is the week where school becomes a dominatrix and I have leathers on my person. (Dear Lisa: Hey, what up? Don't worry, this is only a metaphor or a simile or something, okay? I still like you and you non-violent love)

School has dealt me the following cards:
1) A 4-6 page essay for my horror movie class. Seeing how until Saturday, I thought this essay was due a week from tomorrow and not tomorrow, I had to come up with the quickest topic available, and that is comparing and contrasting the move and short story of "Pit and the Pendulum" by Edgar Allen Poe. I read the story yesterday, and it was money, because it isn't anything like the movie. I am going to use the WHOWHATWHEREWHENWHYHOW of what is different as the format of my essay. I hope it is long enough. By the way, the actual story of "Pit and Pendulum" was pretty good. I think Poe liked throwing curve balls. At one time, he wrote about waking up from a potential drugging and that the presence of a light allowed him to finally see what the dungeon he was in looked like, and he described it in detail, and then he says something like, "It was hard for me to see all of this because I am strapped down to a board and lying on my back." Good one, EA Poe. Good one.
2) A radio journalism story that has to be four-minutes 30-seconds long. Think NPRish. Think hours of editing after the compiling is done. Think due on Thursday.
3) A final test for sports writing today. It shouldn't be too tough,
but,
4) A second final in sports writing, this one challenging our 'deadline writing' skills. We don't know the topic until we show up, and we have to write 600 words before the two-hour class is over. I don't know if this will be hard or not, but I could see it going badly.
5) A final test a week from tomorrow in my horror film class. I have realized today that, while I paid the utmost attention in class, I still don't get the subtle nuances of film, like symbolism and crap. It just isn't how I'm wired. Last time I took a final for film (I've used up some of my upper division credits in the film department), I wrote my short essay on the Goldie Hawn movie, "Overboad" because I had seen it a few days earlier. I fear I won't be so lucky this time. "Overboard" isn't a horror movie, if you ask the right people.

So, that is me this week. My mom gave me some Christmas socks last night, but I don't feel right wearing them until my Christmas spirit is around, which is when school is over.

Okay?