Pants-off Dance-off

I recently found out that people have go-to comfort items. Comfort foods, comfort movies, comfort books for example. To be straight with you, I don't know if anyone has comfort books, it just seems that three examples makes something more legitimate than two. Anyhoo, I realized that I don't I don't have any comfort stuffs. When I told the comfort items teller that I don't, they asked if I am ever sad and what I do when I am. At this point, I realized that I need to be sad more. I did think of a time I was sad almost two months ago and for comfort all I did was lay on a couch with a blanket staring at the ceiling. How light-weight is that?

My lack of comfort stuff bothered me more than my lack of sadness, even though sadness seems to be all the rage these days. I wanted a go-to comfort thing something fierce. I thought about maybe a song, and to my luck "F___ you, Aurora" by Alkaline Trio came up on my pod. I decided that was more of an anger song, and conveniently I had some anger and dedicated that song right there on the spot. Anger: eased. Impending sadness: without comfort.

My search for a comfort movie began and ended during the thought process. I just couldn't think of anything.

Reading books? Not for me. Comfort food? I want fried chicken to be eaten only when I am at my happiest. Same for every other food I like. Then I thought that maybe I would starve myself for comfort, but that sounded too much like my laying-on-the-couch-looking-at-the-ceiling approach. I was almost to the point where I was sad because I didn't have anything to accompany me in my sadness. What a trip, albeit confusing, that would have been.

Fortunately, before my lack of comfort for my sadness begat sadness, I found it: a comfort television show. Pants-off Dance-off (PODO) to be more specific.

Not much of a description is needed beyond the title, but here's one anyway. Common people - and by 'common people' I mean people who say they are actors/models, burlesque dancers, and the rare professional wrestler - dance and strip while a music video (of their choosing, I reckon) plays in the background. I think a good use for those blue screens weather(wo)men stand in front of has finally been found. Instead of strippers, the people taking off their clothes are call PANCERS. This makes it easy for one friend watching the show can say to the another, whether face-to-face or via text message, "Which pancer do you think should win?" Their opinion, as convicted as it may be, is moot, though. Such a show is not left to amateurs to decide the outcome. This isn't American Idol. No, it is decided by people who would know a good pancer from a bad pancer. Who are these giants of the social landscape of this good/sometimes great nation? Strippers. Honey and Precious, to be exact. Sometimes, the talents of Honey and Precious are even put to use. For instance, maybe a pancer has hit a dull spot in their pancing routine. Show host(ess) Willa Ford (season three host; a little research shows that season two was hosted by none other than Jodie Sweetin) calls out, "Dance Off!" and the screen splits and one of the esteem judges appears next to the pancer and gives a ten second demonstration on how to get it done. Other times, Willa Ford will see a sub-par aspect of a pancers' dance and will call for Honey or Precious to do it better. Once, a dancer did a bad booty tease and Ford wasted no time in asking for a demonstration on how to do a respectable booty tease.

Throughout the pancing, the pancer will share tidbits about themselves. Where they came from, what their day job is, what made them get into getting naked, et cetera and so forth. This does more than put a personality on that nakeder-by-the-minute person, it provides for a good laugh. Willa Ford doesn't shy away from being the one who provides that laugh. One pancer was particularly fond of her her butt and mentioned that she can hold a waterbottle in between her cheeks. Ford appeared on the screen and said, "She can hold a water bottle in butt?" then she gave a slow clap of respect. Sometimes/oftimes, the joke is the pancer themselves. One dancer was named GiGi and was wearing a Star Wars outfit, but Lisa's brother (via text message [she told him about the show upon our discovery of it and he went straightway to his TV set in Portland and started watching]) pointed out that she looked like she was in the KKK. As a side note, it took her forever to take the KKKape off. When she finally did, she had the outfit that Princess Leia wore for Jabba the Hutt. A nerd fantasy, right? Too bad she took so long to get to that point because she was only in it for about 30 seconds before she had to take off her top and the censor popped up and ended her session.

I've said too much. I don't mean to get all Reading Rainbow, but don't take my word for it. Watch it on FUSE or watch these:

I mean, look how good she is.