Saturday, October 28, 2006

bored board

I am so bored here at work that I decided to google 'pictures of boring' to murder some time. Here are some that I saw:

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Rolen's barehanded grab

Dear Yankees,
I don't think you should trade A-Rod. The only way you should is if you get Scott Rolen for him.

If you are around me when the living dead attack, don't worry. I know a few things.

Are YOU ready for a zombie outbreak?
Last night, I went to a zombie survival lecture by Max Brooks . I realized that I wasn't ready at all. But, I learned a few things and I am willing to help anyone who reads my blog survive.
I bought The Zombie Survival Guide and here are Brooks' top 10 lessons for surviving a zombie attack (followed by some things I learned):
  1. Organize before they rise - We have to work together. The zombies are already against us, we don't need people against us too. But, if you really hate someone, push them in front of a zombie and they won't be around to hate anymore.
  2. They feel no fear, why should you? - Zombies are pretty slow, so don't be scared.
  3. Use your head: cut off theirs - Grotesque? Maybe, but it is better than getting eaten or bitten and turned into a zombie whose head someone else will try to cut off. Am I right? Also, the virus is in the brain, so if at all possible, find something to smash their head with.
  4. Blades don't need reloading - Guns do. Get a machete.
  5. Ideal protection = tight clothes, short hair.
  6. Get up the staircase, then destroy it - Don't get yourself in a situation where you are cornered and your only option is to jump out a window or get eaten by a zombie. Obviously, you'll jump, but don't put that kind of stress in you life.
  7. Get out of the car, get onto the bike - Bikes are more than fast enough, and the freeway won't get crowded with them in an zombie outbreak. Plus: portability.
  8. Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert - If you freak out, a zombie will eat the freak out of you.
  9. No place is safe, only safer - And going along with #8, don't stay in one place for an extended amount of time. Brooks said, "Cabins are only good for weekend outbreaks."
  10. The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on.

After the lecture, me and BC each bought one of Brooks' books and got in line to have them signed. I told Brooks that my favorite zombie movie is Dead Alive and so he signed my book:

To sugarcube- Who loves Peter Jackson (but still bought my book!). Max Brooks.

I was kind of mad because I don't really like Peter Jackson. I just like Dead Alive.

BC wanted him to write, "Hey douchebag, I hope you go down." Brooks asked BC how to spell 'douchebag' and wrote:

To BC- Hey douchebag, if you want to go down, who am I to stop you? Max Brooks

Anyway, I had to write about the lecture for my class. This is what I turned in (I kind of didn't finish it, but I think the ending of this isn't a bad ending):

Despite being an Emmy Award Winning writer for Saturday Night Live and the son of comic legend Mel Brooks (and actress Anne Bancroft), Max Brooks takes surviving a zombie uprising seriously.

“I don’t think there is anything remotely funny about being killed and eaten by zombies,” says Brooks said during his lecture on zombie survival at Westminster College on Wednesday evening. He is also the author of two books on the New York Times Bestseller List, The Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War. He made the purpose of his lecture clear when he said, “I’m not interested in entertaining. I’m interested in saving lives.”

Brooks said that a lot of the best survival ideas have been hi-jacked by hippies, whom he referred to as “those people” for most of his lecture. Some ideas he said they ruined were boiling water, storing food, and living off the land. Because of the negative view hippies have given of these things, Brooks said, “I’m going to train all of you not to be out-survived by ‘those people.’”
One of the first tips Brooks gave the audience is to think less like Rambo and more like Woody Allen in the case of a zombie outbreak. Brooks said that not only is Rambo half-naked, he probably wouldn’t have items like water bottles and Vitamin C. But someone like Woody Allen probably would.

When he asked the audience what they thought the best weapon would be, “If….When the living dead rise.” Brooks was answered with all sorts of guns and even a tank. He pulled out a samuri sword and said it was the best possible weapon, but they are expensive and rarely made for actual combat. Brooks instead recommends a machete because they are light-weight, concealable and legal. Later in the lecture, he also suggested finding something heavy to smash a fallen zombie’s head with because the zombie virus lives on in the brain. Otherwise, “That’s a landmine you just left,” Brooks said.

Brooks repeatedly emphasized being prepared for a rising of the living dead and showed his own preparedness by wearing a machete in his sheath most of the lecture. He shared what his plan would be if a the living dead attacked in the auditorium at that exact moment. Without hesitation, he said that if the outbreak happened towards the front of the auditorium it would be minor because, he said with his hand on his machete, “I’m there.” If the outbreak happened at the top of the auditorium, he would quickly leave out the door off the side of the stage.

After his lecture, Brooks had a question and answer with the audience. One audience member, Brian Christensen, found this to be the most helpful part of the presentation. “Sometimes the best information is the answer to the question that goes unaddressed,” Christensen said.

During the question and answer period, Brooks taught the audience that it is not possible to sterilize zombie meat for eating (“Not possible. Don’t even try it.” [unless you are going to give it to someone you don't like - like Lance Armstrong). He also recommended not fighting a zombie if you have open sores because the zombie virus is transmitted through fluid to fluid contact. In case of a situation where it was necessary to kill a zombie while one has open wounds, Brooks demonstrated an up-and-under move that wouldn’t have a zombie’s blood splashing all over its attacker.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Handshake Earthquake

Judith Bowman and Protocol Consultants International says:
"There is really only one correct way to shake hands here in America: - connect the "v"; between the thumb and index finger of your left hand with the "v" between the thumb and index finger of your right hand --- one to two "pumps"; and make eye contact!

Note: a good firm grasp is key; avoid sweaty palms by washing hands thoroughly before the anticipated handshake, using soap and drying thoroughly. There is nothing worse than a clammy handshake - a clammy handshake is the "kiss of death"!

The person who initiates the handshake is generally the person in control - which is what you want."

If ony that solved everything. Today, I visted Shade Clothing to pick up a key so I could come to where I currently am and watch a football game that doesn't start for a bit. While there, I was introduced to a couple of people who were female. I hope things didn't get awkward, but they might have. I was sitting in a comfortable office chair when I was introduced to the first woman. I figured a smile, a nod, and a "Sup, dog?" would be enough of a greeting. Especially since she had a box in her hand. Then she put her box down. Now, it is absolutely possible that she didn't put the box down to shake my hand; and if she did want to shake my hand, she did a great job of saving herself (and my self) some awkwardness by making it look like she put the box down for another reason. Not knowing her intentions notwithstanding, this got in my head. A few minutes later, I was introduced to another employee and by this point I was a social mess. I didn't know what to do. So, I did what I would do in most situations where I don't know what to do: I just stood there and said, "Hi."

On the drive back, I kept thinking, "What's the social protocol for shaking hands with someone of the opposite sex?"

Until about a year ago, this was a non-issue for me. I shook their hands. Then I was talking to my friend Annabelle and she told me that boys should never shake a girl's hand. This killed me. Then she showed me how to do what we called a 'sensual handshake,' in case I got in a situation where I had to shake the hand of a female. Such handshakes are tough to pull off, so I scrapped the idea and just stopped shaking hands. Besides, I think the 'sensual handshake' was more creepy than effective.

Until today, I think I had gotten over the handshake issue. Maybe the whole thought that I shouldn't shake hands with ladies is sexist, anyhow. But that isn't what this is about. This is about social protocol. I've decided that I will shake hands with females. If Lance Armstrong can shake hands with steriods, then I can shake hands with girls.

Bad Religion said, "Handshakes are nothing but a solemn f___ you." Yeah, maybe.

Dear Betsy and Becca,

My blog is the new awesome.


Wednesday night television will never be the same for me.

In a conversation with my friend The President yesterday, I asked if I could come over to her house and watchthe season finale of Project Runway. I told her that I was kind of excited about it and that I was disappointed that the USA Today didn't mention much about it.
The President said, "Good! You're getting into it!"
And I thought to myself, "Crap. I might be."

We continued talking and I said, "I'll probably come over earlier, because it is kind of weird to leave my house at 10:00 pm to drive to Salt Lake to watch a show about fashion." As soon as I said it, I realized that yes, I am into it. Just like Lance Armstrong is into steriods.

I spent the next few hours wondering why. I drank Project Runway Haterade at first and I still am not interested in fashion (except when The President put on a coat that made it look like she was nude underneath. That was pretty). Maybe the main reason I like it because it was a reason to hang out with good people on a Wednesday night.

Anyway, you can buy one of these at the site linked in the title of this blog:

Is it strange that the same person who made this (look to the left) won? Michael was cool throughout the show, but the last three or four things he made (that I saw, at least) were pretty bad. He was a weak finisher. Laura is a ho and I am really glad that she lost. From the first episode I watched, she was my least favorite contestant on the show. Uli did the opposite of Michael and finished strong after subpar start. She also turned out to be one of the coolest contestants.

I just did a summary of Project Runway. Hmm.

"Give me something to chew on," she said.

Instead of having news writing class two days ago, the teacher told us to go somewhere for 30 minutes and write what we see. My friend Lewinski helped me scout and find a spot in the Marriott Library.

Instead of writing descriptive thoughts about the weather or the clothes people were wearing (or even what sort of stupid deep thoughts they are thinking), I just decided to write what came to my brain based on what I was seeing. It was one of the fastest 30 minutes I have ever had at school. They call this freewriting:

I think the biggest topic of interest will be which pen I use the majority of the time. The problem I have with this pen is it makes me misspell so many words. I always leave out one letter of a word.

Fellow next to me is having a phone conversation with someone whose reception keeps cutting out. Apparently, he is going bowling tonight on State Street. I know the place. One of my friends goes there every Tuesday night because it is Dollar Bowling Night. He invites me almost every week, but I have never gone. The catch is, you have to pay for three games and shoes, which means you pay a minimum of $4. Still a good deal, but I despise that there is a catch.

Some dude in a scarf and a dorky hat just walked by. I hate dorky hats.

There are two girls at a table about 20 feet away. I wish I could get closer and listen to their conversation. I can tell it is a good one.

The two girls to my left have both gotten up and left at different times within the last minute. Their seats were just taken by a girl and her boy toy.

Most people are reading newspapers, but a couple are studying. I am going to stare at one of the study folk.

She is copying something from a textbook into her notebook. A boy and a girl are right above her having a conversation that has been on-going for since long before I got here. Yes, I scouted this location before choosing it. Study girl is still studiously writing in her notebook. I can tell her attention span is pretty good. I have no attention span. She is now looking around, scanning the room. She did it again as she turned the page of her notebook. She just got up and left. Maybe I shouldn’t stare.

A dork with curly hair is talking on speaker phone. Cool, dude, you’re important.

A pretty girl just came and started talking loudly to the kid seated two to my right. The pretty girl just said, “So, come here often?” It sounded like a pickup line. The pretty girl and the kid just said goodbye to each other and she went over where study girl was sitting to talk to the girl who took her chair after she left. I would call her ‘Study Girl #2,” but she isn’t studying. She is just eating pretzels and drinking PowerAde.

It needs to be noted that the two girls whose conversation I wanted to hear left about five minutes ago.

People to my left keep leaving.

A girl just dropped her coat and I caught it with my foot. She didn’t thank me, but she didn’t really have to because it just fell on my foot.

I’m glad my 30 minutes are done because three annoying folks just sat by me.
[Note: I used the same pen the entire time. Hopefully Lance Armstong didn't use the same needle every time he took steroids.]

What nice lies would you tell at my funeral?

Today in news writing class, we had to write our own obituary. Some people in class chickened-out and wrote a blog for other people. What is so scary about making up your death? If anything, it assures you won't die the way you write about because nobody is smart enough to guess their own death. But, many people are smart enought to guess why other people will die. For instance, I bet Lance Armstrong will die from taking steriods.

Here's my obituary (identity theft freaks me out, so I will replace my name with 'sugarcube' and I will put '____' in place of name, dates, and other important things [and sometimes just because I think it is funny]):

SALT LAKE CITY – sugarcube died of natural causes in the Salt Lake County Jail on Tuesday, October 17. He was 26.

He was born in Sandy, Utah on ___ 10, 19__ to _______ and ______ _____. He spent his entire childhood in Sandy and graduated from Alta High school in 19__. Up to his death, he had spent six years attending the University of ___, without ever receiving a diploma.

sugarcube began a life of crime when he was 19. He was attracted to the get-rich-quick lifestyle of con men, and they were attracted to his charming personality. Soon after, he conned them out of all their money. Although he had a violent streak, he took a lot of pride in never having killed anyone. This was also a source of pride for his parents.

He became well-known in the state of Utah early last year when he was convicted of being the leader of a group of con men and women called The Affiliation. Through strategic planning, The Affiliation swindled millions of dollars from some of Utah’s most successful businesses. Half of the members of The Affiliation were arrested for conning thousands of dollars from elderly people at rest homes throughout Salt Lake and Utah counties. Sugarcube was unaware of their plans, but they made a deal with federal agents to give him and other members up in exchange for lesser sentences.

One of those who gave him up was Jane Simpson. When told of her former bosses’ death, she said, “He was a person that didn’t hold a grudge. When I went to visit him in jail soon after I sent them there, he kept saying, ‘Well played, Simpson. Well played.’”

sugarcube is survived by his parents and siblings.