Thursday, January 11, 2007


Ever since I was old enough to understand what most dirty words mean, I have enjoyed reading what is written on bathroom walls, with exceptions of invitations for a good time, numbers to call to get oral sex, and political statements (for the most part).

Just a few minutes ago, I dropped a duece. While doing so, I noticed one of the best collections of bathroom wall writings I've had the pleasure of seeing. In a silver sharpie on the fake wood formica door, someone wrote,

Here I sit all broken hearted,
Came to s__t, but only farted.

Which isn't original, but it isn't written enough. This was written on the toilet paper dispenser, and it is a lot more original but not quite as enjoyable:

Those who write on bathroom walls
roll their crap in little balls,
Ye who read this little rap
eat those little balls of crap.

The best writings that I saw are something that I have only seen in the Marriot Library at the University of Utah - and it is in every boy's bathroom in the building. In the grout, short, common phrases are written where the word 'grout' replaces another word. They are usually pretty good, but these in the far stall of the boy's bathroom on the bottom floor are the best I have seen. Here are some examples:
Grout of the way
Grout of wrath
Make grout, not war
Grout Scott!
Be groutful
Tastes grrrrrrout!
Grout of toilet paper
Mrs. Groutfire
Grout at the devil
Whatchu talkin' grout, Willis?
Grout, grout, let it all out
I'm a little teapot, short and grout
Grout's all folks

"Great memory," you might say. "Don't you mean, grout memory," I might respond.
Or, I'll just be honest and admit that I pulled out my notebook and wrote all of those down.


Manfoom said...

so when you take your notebook into the stall, I have several questions:

1. while you are dropping trou, where do you set the notebook? Do you angle it precariously on the tp dispenser, or do you grasp it with pinky and ring finger while pointer and thumb take car of unzipping?

2. Are you writing while "taking care of business"

3. If the answer to 2. is affirmative, do you rest the notebook on the naked thigh or hold it aloft in one hand and write in the other as to keep it out of contact of the naked thigh.

please inform.

-annabelle said...

i have the same questions than manfoom.
please inform us of the real interesting life changing details lee.

emily said...

i know one, but it's about pee: no matter how you shake and dance, the last drop alwyas ends up in your pants.

sugarcube said...

Good questions, man(foom). He's the lowdown:
The bathroom stall had a peg for hanging backpacks, coats, and whathaveyou. Actually, maybe not backpacks. I have seen some pegs have a little hand written (always in marker) sign that implores people to NOT hang their backpacks there. I usually throw caution to the wind and still do it, anyway.

While I was "dropping trou," I came up with the idea to write those down. I waited until I had wiped, then pulled my notebook out of my backpack and started jotting the best ones down.

I hope this is a sufficient answer.

sugarcube said...

annabelle- sarcasm only hurts feelings.

emily- Nice one. I dig. And it is so true. Sometimes, I'll sit there and shake my business, but I can never get it all out.

emily said...

sug: 1) do you pee sitting down? pussy.
2) i learned something about male wiping the other day--the reach-around. never knew that one.
3) i loooooove talking about bathroom stuff. arrested at the anal phase, apparently.

sugarcube said...

I pee standing.

If the reach around is what I think it is, what other way is there? Girls don't do it? Actually, I learned a few years ago that some dudes go underneath, and some others take it to the extreme by standing and going underneath.