Thursday, October 26, 2006

If you are around me when the living dead attack, don't worry. I know a few things.

Are YOU ready for a zombie outbreak?
Last night, I went to a zombie survival lecture by Max Brooks . I realized that I wasn't ready at all. But, I learned a few things and I am willing to help anyone who reads my blog survive.
I bought The Zombie Survival Guide and here are Brooks' top 10 lessons for surviving a zombie attack (followed by some things I learned):
  1. Organize before they rise - We have to work together. The zombies are already against us, we don't need people against us too. But, if you really hate someone, push them in front of a zombie and they won't be around to hate anymore.
  2. They feel no fear, why should you? - Zombies are pretty slow, so don't be scared.
  3. Use your head: cut off theirs - Grotesque? Maybe, but it is better than getting eaten or bitten and turned into a zombie whose head someone else will try to cut off. Am I right? Also, the virus is in the brain, so if at all possible, find something to smash their head with.
  4. Blades don't need reloading - Guns do. Get a machete.
  5. Ideal protection = tight clothes, short hair.
  6. Get up the staircase, then destroy it - Don't get yourself in a situation where you are cornered and your only option is to jump out a window or get eaten by a zombie. Obviously, you'll jump, but don't put that kind of stress in you life.
  7. Get out of the car, get onto the bike - Bikes are more than fast enough, and the freeway won't get crowded with them in an zombie outbreak. Plus: portability.
  8. Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert - If you freak out, a zombie will eat the freak out of you.
  9. No place is safe, only safer - And going along with #8, don't stay in one place for an extended amount of time. Brooks said, "Cabins are only good for weekend outbreaks."
  10. The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on.

After the lecture, me and BC each bought one of Brooks' books and got in line to have them signed. I told Brooks that my favorite zombie movie is Dead Alive and so he signed my book:

To sugarcube- Who loves Peter Jackson (but still bought my book!). Max Brooks.

I was kind of mad because I don't really like Peter Jackson. I just like Dead Alive.

BC wanted him to write, "Hey douchebag, I hope you go down." Brooks asked BC how to spell 'douchebag' and wrote:

To BC- Hey douchebag, if you want to go down, who am I to stop you? Max Brooks

Anyway, I had to write about the lecture for my class. This is what I turned in (I kind of didn't finish it, but I think the ending of this isn't a bad ending):

Despite being an Emmy Award Winning writer for Saturday Night Live and the son of comic legend Mel Brooks (and actress Anne Bancroft), Max Brooks takes surviving a zombie uprising seriously.

“I don’t think there is anything remotely funny about being killed and eaten by zombies,” says Brooks said during his lecture on zombie survival at Westminster College on Wednesday evening. He is also the author of two books on the New York Times Bestseller List, The Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War. He made the purpose of his lecture clear when he said, “I’m not interested in entertaining. I’m interested in saving lives.”

Brooks said that a lot of the best survival ideas have been hi-jacked by hippies, whom he referred to as “those people” for most of his lecture. Some ideas he said they ruined were boiling water, storing food, and living off the land. Because of the negative view hippies have given of these things, Brooks said, “I’m going to train all of you not to be out-survived by ‘those people.’”
One of the first tips Brooks gave the audience is to think less like Rambo and more like Woody Allen in the case of a zombie outbreak. Brooks said that not only is Rambo half-naked, he probably wouldn’t have items like water bottles and Vitamin C. But someone like Woody Allen probably would.

When he asked the audience what they thought the best weapon would be, “If….When the living dead rise.” Brooks was answered with all sorts of guns and even a tank. He pulled out a samuri sword and said it was the best possible weapon, but they are expensive and rarely made for actual combat. Brooks instead recommends a machete because they are light-weight, concealable and legal. Later in the lecture, he also suggested finding something heavy to smash a fallen zombie’s head with because the zombie virus lives on in the brain. Otherwise, “That’s a landmine you just left,” Brooks said.

Brooks repeatedly emphasized being prepared for a rising of the living dead and showed his own preparedness by wearing a machete in his sheath most of the lecture. He shared what his plan would be if a the living dead attacked in the auditorium at that exact moment. Without hesitation, he said that if the outbreak happened towards the front of the auditorium it would be minor because, he said with his hand on his machete, “I’m there.” If the outbreak happened at the top of the auditorium, he would quickly leave out the door off the side of the stage.

After his lecture, Brooks had a question and answer with the audience. One audience member, Brian Christensen, found this to be the most helpful part of the presentation. “Sometimes the best information is the answer to the question that goes unaddressed,” Christensen said.

During the question and answer period, Brooks taught the audience that it is not possible to sterilize zombie meat for eating (“Not possible. Don’t even try it.” [unless you are going to give it to someone you don't like - like Lance Armstrong). He also recommended not fighting a zombie if you have open sores because the zombie virus is transmitted through fluid to fluid contact. In case of a situation where it was necessary to kill a zombie while one has open wounds, Brooks demonstrated an up-and-under move that wouldn’t have a zombie’s blood splashing all over its attacker.


hooter juder said...

I was afraid to go to bed tonight, but now that I have read this critical information, I will not fear the zombie attacks.

emily said...

i have a comment about point #7: using a bike rather than a car would only work if most other people took cars, because roads could definitely get clogged up with bikes. remember china?

sugarcube said...

As has been shown in Hurricane Katrina and other zombie movies, people WILL take cars. One reason most people will not survive zombie attacks is because of something Max Brooks calls "first-though." Following this first-though is dangerous, because most everyone else has the same first-thought. For example, (in someone's head) "Zombies are attacking! Head to a cabin or somewhere in the mountains." Guess what: everyone is in the mountains (or at a cabin) [besides, Brooks said cabins are only good for weekend zombie virus outbreaks]).
Another example would be cars. People would get in their cars and try to drive as far away as possible. But, there is only so much road.
Bikes, however, can go almost anywhere, and they are more than fast enough (so is running, but biking is faster and uses less energy).
Don't worry, Emily, you are on my save list. I'll need dance parties.

emily said...

ok, i'm buying your argument. especially since you backed it up with this "max brooks" guy's little theory. people are generally stupid. so you will drive up to my house on your bike and pick me up? cool. i have a couple of cd's i'll pack up in my 72-hour zombie kit.

Anonymous said...

i hope you didn't have to pay for that lecture. you can learn almost all of that stuff by watching sean of the dead