Thursday, October 19, 2006

What nice lies would you tell at my funeral?

Today in news writing class, we had to write our own obituary. Some people in class chickened-out and wrote a blog for other people. What is so scary about making up your death? If anything, it assures you won't die the way you write about because nobody is smart enough to guess their own death. But, many people are smart enought to guess why other people will die. For instance, I bet Lance Armstrong will die from taking steriods.

Here's my obituary (identity theft freaks me out, so I will replace my name with 'sugarcube' and I will put '____' in place of name, dates, and other important things [and sometimes just because I think it is funny]):

SALT LAKE CITY – sugarcube died of natural causes in the Salt Lake County Jail on Tuesday, October 17. He was 26.

He was born in Sandy, Utah on ___ 10, 19__ to _______ and ______ _____. He spent his entire childhood in Sandy and graduated from Alta High school in 19__. Up to his death, he had spent six years attending the University of ___, without ever receiving a diploma.

sugarcube began a life of crime when he was 19. He was attracted to the get-rich-quick lifestyle of con men, and they were attracted to his charming personality. Soon after, he conned them out of all their money. Although he had a violent streak, he took a lot of pride in never having killed anyone. This was also a source of pride for his parents.

He became well-known in the state of Utah early last year when he was convicted of being the leader of a group of con men and women called The Affiliation. Through strategic planning, The Affiliation swindled millions of dollars from some of Utah’s most successful businesses. Half of the members of The Affiliation were arrested for conning thousands of dollars from elderly people at rest homes throughout Salt Lake and Utah counties. Sugarcube was unaware of their plans, but they made a deal with federal agents to give him and other members up in exchange for lesser sentences.

One of those who gave him up was Jane Simpson. When told of her former bosses’ death, she said, “He was a person that didn’t hold a grudge. When I went to visit him in jail soon after I sent them there, he kept saying, ‘Well played, Simpson. Well played.’”

sugarcube is survived by his parents and siblings.


Anonymous said...

i love this so much

ram said...

was this on The Simpsons?

Lee said...

No, sir. It was an assignment for a class of mine.

Does it sound like something that was on The Simpsons.